BEYOND
Khalil Dorsey
We had just beaten the Chiefs to kick off the 2023 NFL season. It was my first game in about two-and-a-half years, and man, I was gassed. I was on a mission to make plays that day, and I finished with three special teams tackles.
I went back to the locker room and saw a note from the NFL requiring me to take a urine test, probably because I just balled out. But something was off with the sample I produced. That thing was a murky, dark amber color. Think a really dark, rich apple cider.
I started pounding waters as we loaded up the plane to head home. And when you down a bunch of water like that, you eventually have to go pee. My urine was clear the next time.
Phew.
Now we’re in the air flying home, and I needed to go to the bathroom again. This time, I look down, and all I see is red.
In that moment, the only thought that entered my mind was, ‘Is this the moment that I die?’
After all I had been through just to be on that field against the Chiefs that night, there’s no way my football story – or my life – ends 30,000 feet in the air, right?
I only had two offers coming out of high school, one to Army and one to Northern Arizona University. NAU recruited me to play football and run track, so I took their offer. Shortly after my commitment, Cal offered me a track scholarship. They told me that they would match NAU’s scholarship and allow me to be a walk-on with their football team, but something about that didn’t feel right. You either want me or you don’t, and I wanted to be on a football team that truly wanted me.
I went to an FCS school, so during the summers, I was on my own to pay for some of my food and rent. I had to get a job during the break, so I spent my first two summers teaching gymnastics. The summer going into my senior year, I became a server at Denny’s. Let me tell you – that was one humbling experience.
On the field, I had a good senior year to wrap up a solid career. But what’s crazy is that I never thought the NFL was in the cards for me. I played with an All-American receiver who was a big dude and could catch anything. It was a no-brainer that he would succeed in the League, but after a short stint with an NFL team, he never played a regular season game.
How could I stick in the League if he couldn’t? I see that, and I’m like, ‘All right, the list of guys able to play this game is getting slimmer and slimmer and they’re not really taking guys of my stature.’
The only time I started thinking about the NFL was after my senior season, when I was being asked about getting an agent. I decided to sign an agent, but what I didn’t know was that by having an agent, I was ineligible to finish out my track career at NAU, which was also meaningful to me.
At that point, all of my eggs had to be in the NFL basket.
On the field,
I had a good senior year to wrap up a solid career. But what’s crazy is that I never thought the NFL was in the cards for me.
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I played in the Hula Bowl in January of 2020, and I had a tackle and a pass breakup in the game. That led to me having a long conversation with a scout from the Ravens, and I told him that all I needed was an opportunity.
The weird thing about training for the NFL was that I was still in college. I had classes twice a week on campus in Flagstaff, Ariz., then on my other days I would drive two hours south to train in Phoenix. I was able to crash at my friend’s house, but he lived about 50 minutes from where I was training. Then I’d drive two hours back up to campus, go to class, rinse and repeat. I was putting miles on that 2004 Honda Accord.
Not even a week before my Pro Day was set to take place, COVID-19 shut the world down. How was I supposed to impress an NFL team if I couldn’t meet with coaches or scouts? I wasn’t invited to the Combine, so all I had to show for was the Hula Bowl. It was kind of a helpless feeling, and it was hard not to be down.
I took a few days off, just thinking, ‘Shoot, I don’t know what I’m going to do.’ Around that time, NAU closed their campus, so I didn’t have my lease there anymore. I couldn’t go home and train in California because the government was cracking down on people training together, and it didn’t make sense to try to find a place to stay near campus if my training was two hours away.
The friend that let me crash with him near Phoenix – and I still consider him a best friend – was concerned about me going out, training, then coming back to live there. He wanted to keep his family safe.
So, I couldn’t go back home and train, my lease on campus expired and I couldn’t stay with my dawg anymore.
I went to Wal-Mart, bought one of those $20 plastic dressers – you know, the one with three drawers – and loaded it up. Socks and underwear in the bottom drawer, workout clothes in the next and the rest of my clothes up top. I put the dresser in my trunk, and with really no other option, that car became my home.
The weird thing about training for the NFL was that I was still in college.
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When my trainer found out I was living out of my car, he let me crash with him, his wife and their four kids. All he had was an old, hard futon, and since I couldn’t afford to buy a blowup mattress, I made do with it for a few weeks.
The NFL Draft came around, and after it ended, my agent texted me that the Browns wanted me. They even had a signing bonus of $5,000, which I was beyond cool with.
I started getting texts from the Ravens scout I met at the Hula Bowl, and my agent told me to wait before I made a decision. Baltimore ended up offering me a contract, but they didn’t offer me any money. At that time, I needed every penny I could get. My agent was able to get the Ravens to match the $5,000, and I was off to Baltimore.
I got cut from the Ravens, but they added me back to their practice squad. In the third game of the season, their nickel corner got hurt, and next thing you know, I was elevated for my first NFL game – which was, ironically, against the Chiefs. There was no crowd, but there was an NFL jersey with my name on it. I was stoked.
I played six games in 2020, but my left shoulder kept popping out all year. I didn’t want to say anything – let’s just wrap this thing up and go. But against the Colts that November, my shoulder popped out twice. The Ravens told me, ‘You’re done, you’ve got to get surgery.’ I was put on IR and sat out the rest of the season.
Nobody really talked about how hard that was going to be.
Anger can be incredible fuel, but when it is your sole source of fuel for an extended period of time, it will wear you down.
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I got healthy in time for spring practices, but I felt like I was being looked at as a liability instead of an asset to the team. I didn’t want to raise my shoulder above my head too many times because I felt like it was going to slip. It didn’t feel loose or anything, but it was in the back of my mind.
Training camp rolled around, and in mid-August, I tore my right shoulder. I was sent right to IR, and my second season was over just like that.
Me and some other IR players stuck around Baltimore to rehab, and we all got close that year. There were two guys with knee injuries I spent time with, and I watched them work their butts off and try to get better, but their careers ended. They never made it back due to complications from their surgeries.
Returning from IR – I don’t even know how to explain it. You have to crawl out of that hole every single time you get hurt, and it’s really hard to do. You don’t feel like yourself initially. Some guys come back just fine, others never do.
The year ended and the Ravens decided not to renew my contract. I got an offer from the Giants in the middle of OTAs, and I had to make the most of it.
The 2022 training camp with the Giants was a weird one. My two surgeries made it hard for me to mentally return to the style of play where I’m hitting with my shoulders. I was playing a little bit physical, but also a little soft.
Summer wound down and I felt like just a camp body. The amount of reps – or lack of reps – really paints that picture for you. Feeling like the 90th man is what I envision a walk-on feels like, which is why I chose not to go to Cal.
I just didn’t have confidence.
In our last preseason game against the Jets, someone ran a corner route for a touchdown on me, and I’m immediately like, ‘I’m off the team.’
I got cut and thought my next opportunity would be right around the corner. The months stacked up, and I went 14 weeks off a roster. It’s mid-December now – I need a job.
I need to make money. I need to keep busy.
I signed up to drive for Uber and Lyft. I polished off my resume and sent it to dozens of places. I literally applied to work at a hotel the same week that Detroit called me.
I signed to the Lions’ practice squad to finish off the 2022 season, and they signed me to a Reserve/Future contract in early 2023.
The business of football became exhausting. It felt like I was in an abusive relationship with the game. I remember asking, ‘Do I want to keep doing this to myself? I love football, but football doesn’t love me back. Do I want to be done?’
I didn’t know that answer.
But I knew I needed to get away for a while, so I bought a one-way ticket to Oahu.
One night that March, I rented a scooter and drove down to the China Walls in Honolulu. I sat on a rock, overlooked the sand and the ocean, and decided to take in the sunset.
I put headphones in, and I just watched the waves crash along the shore.
I started thinking about life.
I thought about every possible scenario. ‘What do I want out of this life? What’s my purpose?’ The image that popped into my head then – and I still can’t shake it – is this vivid memory I have of my parents.
There was this moment where we were eating dinner together in the living room. My dad was asleep on the couch to the right of me after a long day’s work. My mom was perched up on the edge of her leather recliner, mouth slightly open, slightly smiling, just locked in on whatever reruns were playing on TV.
For one moment in time, my mom forgot all the struggles in her life. She works about 12 hours a day, and with inflation and everything, every paycheck matters. For one moment, she had a sliver of peace. She didn’t have to worry about the bills, she didn’t worry if I was going to be OK – she didn’t worry about anything. We had each other in that moment, and that’s all she cared about.
That was where I found my motivation. If I was doing this for just me, I would have been done a long time ago.
My parents worked their butts off to give me a better life. My dad worked extra shifts just so we could afford my equipment. To be so close to my dream but never being able to fully get it – I can’t describe that feeling.
I bawled my eyes out.
I told myself if I didn’t make a team after training camp, I would be done. I didn’t want to endure this anymore.
I let go of the injuries, of the past.
I felt free.
No matter what happened, I was ready to give this everything I had one last time and make peace with the results.
I told myself if I didn’t make a team after training camp, I would be done. I didn’t want to endure this anymore.
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I started training camp with the Lions on fourth string. My coach was telling me I wasn’t being physical enough, so I wanted to show that I could be the player they wanted.
Then one practice, I hit Shane Zylstra in a way I didn’t intend, and I completely mess his knee up. He had a serious injury that I was solely responsible for, and it made me sick. It’s something I still struggle with.
I instantly thought I was cut.
All I could think about were those Ravens players on IR with me. I saw firsthand how neither of them recovered from their knee injuries 100%, and it took a massive emotional toll on me knowing Shane might never play football again because of something I did.
I told the offense I was sorry, and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve apologized to Shane. I felt horrible, and I knew it heavily it factored into my evaluation. When I made a mistake, I felt like I had a shorter leash.
I had to ask myself again – was I being an asset or liability to the team?
I eventually started making plays and turning heads, and I approached the last preseason game against the Panthers like it could be my last NFL game.
I had a few defensive tackles early in the game, but I knew what my path to the roster was.
Leading into the game, I told Coach Fipp that I could play anywhere he needed me, even in the return game.
They sent me back for our first kickoff return of the game.
I caught the ball, weaved right, and got absolutely smacked.
I did not care.
I bounced off that hit and ran like my career depended on it, because, well, my career depended on it.
I brought that thing back 62 yards.
Later in the game, I forced a fumble on defense.
I did what I told myself I would do on that rock in Hawaii.
A few days later, that bad phone call never came.
I was getting ready to play the Chiefs.
DEAD AND ALIVE
BEYOND
Once we landed back home from Kansas City, I was too scared to sleep. I didn’t know if I’d wake up.
I went to pee again – I’m seeing blood.
It happened a few hours later too.
The trainers sent me to the Emergency Room, and I’m getting stabbed all over as the doctors try to find a vein to load me up with IVs.
For a full week, I was peeing red despite the overload of fluids. I was extremely fatigued.
I was diagnosed with Rhabdomyolysis, which can be caused by overexerting your body. My muscles were literally breaking down and entering my bloodstream. The protein levels in my blood were extremely high and my kidneys were not filtering my body properly.
If we couldn’t get the protein count back in order, it could have ended my career.
My kidneys could have failed.
I was scared it would cost me my life.
The Lions put me on IR, and for the next few weeks, all I would do is sleep and get IVs.
I spent a lot of time in the shower just thinking of all the possibilities that were on the table. You start venturing off into different rabbit holes. You start thinking, ‘You just played one game, and that was it. Now you’re on IR again. Third time on IR. I don’t want the Lions to view me as a liability.’
After the Shane hit, it took me until the Panthers game to feel like I got the organization’s trust back, and I honestly felt like I had just lost it again.
Of all people, I know how this game works. I understand the business. I’ve had coaches tell me, ‘You did a great job,’ and still get cut.
I kept looking to see which defensive backs they were going to bring in.
But Detroit didn’t sign anyone.
They believed in me. They waited for me.
The rest is history.
I had a sense Detroit wanted me back, I wanted to be back
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There’s always a chance Rhabdomyolysis returns, but I don’t stress about it now. The trainers and I have a really good routine together to limit that possibility.
The thing is, once I hit the field, I don’t worry about anything anymore.
I’ve been the 90th man. I’ve been doubted. I’ve doubted myself.
I look back, and there have been so many moments that almost broke me. From working at Denny’s to living in my car to going on IR three times – how is a little guy like me still here?
Why is a little guy like me still here?
I paid off my dad’s car.
I renovated my mom’s kitchen.
I pay for kids to train with the coach that took me in when my career was on life support.
Maybe my purpose with this game is more than my talent in it.
